hollow heart

   在咖啡馆上班的日子在三个月整的时候戛然而止。作别的时候，应该有所不舍，或者应该送你们每人一件礼物并附上感言，来证明曾经的存在。和平地分开，再对不过。
    可你也知道，总有一些经历，颠覆你原有的观念。关于世界应该是什么，人们之间关系的松紧程度，以及该要适可而止的时机。结果是你再一次一边否定着自己，一边被卷土重来的虚无感攫取。你不得不承认，对你来说，任何出走终究是你一人归来，任何探索也只能带来在开始阶段因未知新鲜而带来的甜头。你现在的生活圈子里无法解决的问题，就算你换个圈子生活，也依然无解。
    谁们的理想国，只有我，没有你。

你说 整个世界的言语中 大部分其实是人们情感自利的工具
或炫耀光荣以博得别人的艳羡
或暴露脆弱以换取别人的关怀
不过在表现方式 或者说掩饰程度上的差异
有的赤裸直白如此  听众只有干瞪眼的份儿
有的迂回委婉 然遮遮掩掩被洞悉之后反而欲盖弥彰
此处最佳效果的达成还需听者的捧哏
聪明的听众对讲述者抛出的话把儿置之不理
更聪明的则装作不谙世事地结过话把儿 准确无误地奉上讲述者的期待 看着讲述者被正中下怀后脸上洋溢的无限受用
其实听众最爽
so, will you be frank?

as the people who adore you stop adoring you
as they die, as they move on,
as you shed them
as you shed your beauty, your youth
as the world forgets you
as you recognize your transience
as you began to lose your characterisitics one by one
as you learn there's no one watching you, and never was
you think only about driving
not coming from any place, not arriving any place
just driving, counting off time


what was once before you, an exciting, mysterious future
is now left behind you, lived, understood, dissapointing
you realized you're not special
you've struggled into existence, are now slipping silently out of it
this is everyone's experience, every single one
the specifics hardly matter
so you are Adele, Hazel, Claire, Olive
you are Ellen
all her meager sadnesses are yours
all her loneliness
the gray,straw-like hair
her red raw hands
it’s yours
it is time for you to understand this.

—— from the movie " Synecdoche, New York"

“你要做的就是，哥们，一大片悲伤的云”

“以激烈的热情，用火热的双手，我竭力抓住最深处的条理，但是水晶密室忽然倒塌，仿佛一个泪水汪汪的婴孩成了面对荒芜的怪诞老头”

——杰克。凯鲁亚克 《垮掉的一代》